This week our palatial offices have been literally swamped with bog like standing water and marshland flora and fauna. One plant that sprouted during this freak occurrence pollinated a filing cabinet and the resulting offspring were all annoying letters asking for sex advice from Lucy Pinder or another annoying oxygen thief running around without her vest on.
I have come to the conclusion that it is now my responsibility to answer these questions because it's my blog and I can write what I want.
If you are offended, you should probably get yourself sterilized for the good of my sanity and the human race at large.
Q: I allwayes get cramp in my fooot wen sheez rydin me, wot shud I do?!
A: Admit that you like the pain, plan a romantic evening complete with nipple clamps, hot wax and if you're feeling adventurous, a strap on. If she's into it too, why not try some self-immolation play? The horrific scarring will bring you closer together as a couple and there's a potential for a new career path in the niche porn/freak show/channel 4 documentary field.
Q: Me gf givs crap hed, wot shud I do??!
A: Throw her in at the deep end, literally. It's easier if she can't swim, otherwise a hessian sack filled with bricks can speed up the process. Make sure to use acid to burn her fingertips and use a sledgehammer to smash her jaw and teeth. Don't get stingy when it comes to bin-bags, the thicker the better.
If you think that she wouldn't be into this, just force it down her throat and go to town. If she bites it off, there's always the niche porn/freak show/channel 4 documentary to fall back on.
Q: I wanta doo me gf up da wrong whey, what shud I do??!!!
A: Trade her in for a boyfriend, you can still get good part exchange deals even in the current economic climate.
Seriously, get out of the closet, I know it's a big step, but it's got to be better than crying every time you have a wank, and the extra salt in your semen probably makes it taste terrible. Try drinking pineapple juice.
After reading this back I realize that many people may be offended, if you are then I suggest hanging as the most effective remedy.
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