Thursday, 2 September 2010
Friday, 27 August 2010
When The Dog Bites, When The Bee Stings: Part Three
Cigarettes:
If you used to smoke but quit then shut up. You're like an ex gang member who became a youth worker.
I'm going to see this through to the end, by the time I get lung cancer it'll be a simple operation to fix me, it's you people dying of nothing that are fucked.
And remember, while you're sat inside the nice cosy pub feeling smug I'm outside huddled under the shelter with the hotty you clocked at the bar, making her think I'm a decent guy and telling her I write poetry, and we already have something in common.
I stole a joke from Bill Hicks because he is funny and I like his jokes they are good. We went to the pub and I had a pint it tasted like cold fizzy bin water and cost all my pocket money. The girl I met in the shelter she was nice she had a tattoo on her back. This Christmas I would like a sword and for daddy to stop making mummy cry and a Thomas the Tank Engine I have been good all year.
If you used to smoke but quit then shut up. You're like an ex gang member who became a youth worker.
I'm going to see this through to the end, by the time I get lung cancer it'll be a simple operation to fix me, it's you people dying of nothing that are fucked.
And remember, while you're sat inside the nice cosy pub feeling smug I'm outside huddled under the shelter with the hotty you clocked at the bar, making her think I'm a decent guy and telling her I write poetry, and we already have something in common.
I stole a joke from Bill Hicks because he is funny and I like his jokes they are good. We went to the pub and I had a pint it tasted like cold fizzy bin water and cost all my pocket money. The girl I met in the shelter she was nice she had a tattoo on her back. This Christmas I would like a sword and for daddy to stop making mummy cry and a Thomas the Tank Engine I have been good all year.
Sex Advice with Dr Nadin et al
This week our palatial offices have been literally swamped with bog like standing water and marshland flora and fauna. One plant that sprouted during this freak occurrence pollinated a filing cabinet and the resulting offspring were all annoying letters asking for sex advice from Lucy Pinder or another annoying oxygen thief running around without her vest on.
I have come to the conclusion that it is now my responsibility to answer these questions because it's my blog and I can write what I want.
If you are offended, you should probably get yourself sterilized for the good of my sanity and the human race at large.
Q: I allwayes get cramp in my fooot wen sheez rydin me, wot shud I do?!
A: Admit that you like the pain, plan a romantic evening complete with nipple clamps, hot wax and if you're feeling adventurous, a strap on. If she's into it too, why not try some self-immolation play? The horrific scarring will bring you closer together as a couple and there's a potential for a new career path in the niche porn/freak show/channel 4 documentary field.
Q: Me gf givs crap hed, wot shud I do??!
A: Throw her in at the deep end, literally. It's easier if she can't swim, otherwise a hessian sack filled with bricks can speed up the process. Make sure to use acid to burn her fingertips and use a sledgehammer to smash her jaw and teeth. Don't get stingy when it comes to bin-bags, the thicker the better.
If you think that she wouldn't be into this, just force it down her throat and go to town. If she bites it off, there's always the niche porn/freak show/channel 4 documentary to fall back on.
Q: I wanta doo me gf up da wrong whey, what shud I do??!!!
A: Trade her in for a boyfriend, you can still get good part exchange deals even in the current economic climate.
Seriously, get out of the closet, I know it's a big step, but it's got to be better than crying every time you have a wank, and the extra salt in your semen probably makes it taste terrible. Try drinking pineapple juice.
After reading this back I realize that many people may be offended, if you are then I suggest hanging as the most effective remedy.
I have come to the conclusion that it is now my responsibility to answer these questions because it's my blog and I can write what I want.
If you are offended, you should probably get yourself sterilized for the good of my sanity and the human race at large.
Q: I allwayes get cramp in my fooot wen sheez rydin me, wot shud I do?!
A: Admit that you like the pain, plan a romantic evening complete with nipple clamps, hot wax and if you're feeling adventurous, a strap on. If she's into it too, why not try some self-immolation play? The horrific scarring will bring you closer together as a couple and there's a potential for a new career path in the niche porn/freak show/channel 4 documentary field.
Q: Me gf givs crap hed, wot shud I do??!
A: Throw her in at the deep end, literally. It's easier if she can't swim, otherwise a hessian sack filled with bricks can speed up the process. Make sure to use acid to burn her fingertips and use a sledgehammer to smash her jaw and teeth. Don't get stingy when it comes to bin-bags, the thicker the better.
If you think that she wouldn't be into this, just force it down her throat and go to town. If she bites it off, there's always the niche porn/freak show/channel 4 documentary to fall back on.
Q: I wanta doo me gf up da wrong whey, what shud I do??!!!
A: Trade her in for a boyfriend, you can still get good part exchange deals even in the current economic climate.
Seriously, get out of the closet, I know it's a big step, but it's got to be better than crying every time you have a wank, and the extra salt in your semen probably makes it taste terrible. Try drinking pineapple juice.
After reading this back I realize that many people may be offended, if you are then I suggest hanging as the most effective remedy.
What the fuck is post-modernism?
Bill: Ok, ok, I've got one...
Ben: Go on then.
Bill: Well I will if you'd fucking shut up mate.
Ben: Don't try and undermine my masculinity just because you're insecure about being a fictional entity.
Bill: I'm sorry, I wish I could be more emotionally articulate, I think my problems stem from the fact my fucking father was never around and I worried about the size of my fucking penis all through my teen years. I don't even have a discernible fucking character apart from saying 'fucking' and having a crap sense of humor.
Ben: I understand.
They stare into each others eyes before kissing passionately for 4 minutes and 28 seconds
Bill: So anyway yeah, Bob told me this fucking hilarious joke the other day...
Ben: Which Bob?
Bill: White Bob, now would you let me tell the fucking joke?
Ben: Tell it then.
Bill: Right, so, how does a vagina expand?
Ben: Is this the joke?
Bill: Yeah of course it's the fucking joke.
Ben: Oh Jesus.
Bill: Do you want to fucking hear it or not?
Ben: Well not really to be honest.
Bill: For fuck's sake it's like new year's all over again.
Ben: Fine, I don't know, how does a vagina expand?
Bill: Any which way but loose!
Ben: That's barely even a joke.
Bill: Well you fucking tell one then.
Ben: I can't, that joke has forever corrupted my sense of humor, I'm off to watch Horne and Corden.
Bill: At least I make the fucking effort.
Ben: You're just crude.
Bill: You're wearing the fucking cheerleader outfit tonight.
Ben: Fine, but wash the gag first.
Bill: I love you.
Ben: I wish we could live forever, just so our love will never have to end.
Bill: It never will.
They embrace as the burning building collapses around them.
Vote yes on Prop 8, or no, whichever one means people have equal rights.
Ben: Go on then.
Bill: Well I will if you'd fucking shut up mate.
Ben: Don't try and undermine my masculinity just because you're insecure about being a fictional entity.
Bill: I'm sorry, I wish I could be more emotionally articulate, I think my problems stem from the fact my fucking father was never around and I worried about the size of my fucking penis all through my teen years. I don't even have a discernible fucking character apart from saying 'fucking' and having a crap sense of humor.
Ben: I understand.
They stare into each others eyes before kissing passionately for 4 minutes and 28 seconds
Bill: So anyway yeah, Bob told me this fucking hilarious joke the other day...
Ben: Which Bob?
Bill: White Bob, now would you let me tell the fucking joke?
Ben: Tell it then.
Bill: Right, so, how does a vagina expand?
Ben: Is this the joke?
Bill: Yeah of course it's the fucking joke.
Ben: Oh Jesus.
Bill: Do you want to fucking hear it or not?
Ben: Well not really to be honest.
Bill: For fuck's sake it's like new year's all over again.
Ben: Fine, I don't know, how does a vagina expand?
Bill: Any which way but loose!
Ben: That's barely even a joke.
Bill: Well you fucking tell one then.
Ben: I can't, that joke has forever corrupted my sense of humor, I'm off to watch Horne and Corden.
Bill: At least I make the fucking effort.
Ben: You're just crude.
Bill: You're wearing the fucking cheerleader outfit tonight.
Ben: Fine, but wash the gag first.
Bill: I love you.
Ben: I wish we could live forever, just so our love will never have to end.
Bill: It never will.
They embrace as the burning building collapses around them.
Vote yes on Prop 8, or no, whichever one means people have equal rights.
When The Dog Bites, When The Bee Stings: Part Two
Johnny Cash:
The guy owns your soul.
He was singing about blowing people away when 'How Much Is That Doggy In The Window' was at number 1 in the US.
That's like The Sex Pistols releasing 'God Raped The Queen'.
I'm going to start listening to Pig Destroyer just so I can be one of those old guys that stands at the back of gigs with a thousand yard stare that says 'You can never, no matter what happens, be as fucking pimp as I have spent the last twenty years being.'
I realize that I have just contradicted myself, but a girl can dream...
I mean boy...
I mean man...
I mean bloke...
Blokey bloke bloke, ooh the wife the car the football DIY mortgages Carling The Sun David Cameron fucking hell I wish either I or everyone else was dead.
I stole jokes from Bill Bailey and Tommy Gill for this post, in that order. I'm not sorry. In case you're wondering, they were the jokes you didn't think were very funny.
The guy owns your soul.
He was singing about blowing people away when 'How Much Is That Doggy In The Window' was at number 1 in the US.
That's like The Sex Pistols releasing 'God Raped The Queen'.
I'm going to start listening to Pig Destroyer just so I can be one of those old guys that stands at the back of gigs with a thousand yard stare that says 'You can never, no matter what happens, be as fucking pimp as I have spent the last twenty years being.'
I realize that I have just contradicted myself, but a girl can dream...
I mean boy...
I mean man...
I mean bloke...
Blokey bloke bloke, ooh the wife the car the football DIY mortgages Carling The Sun David Cameron fucking hell I wish either I or everyone else was dead.
I stole jokes from Bill Bailey and Tommy Gill for this post, in that order. I'm not sorry. In case you're wondering, they were the jokes you didn't think were very funny.
Something Serious
'Always' by Nadin et al
Soft, sleek and so dark,
The heat holds me still.
Moving through water to rise in the wake of the morning sun,
A gentle caress smoothes rough features,
The will becomes shadow.
Our welcome defeat dances and plays against the world,
Walls are banished,
And the dust skips to the tune of a glance,
As one smile lights half the world,
All the while a side, left abandoned, remembers.
Longing for the miracle of what,
So suddenly gained,
So soon moves on.
Soft, sleek and so dark,
The heat holds me still.
Moving through water to rise in the wake of the morning sun,
A gentle caress smoothes rough features,
The will becomes shadow.
Our welcome defeat dances and plays against the world,
Walls are banished,
And the dust skips to the tune of a glance,
As one smile lights half the world,
All the while a side, left abandoned, remembers.
Longing for the miracle of what,
So suddenly gained,
So soon moves on.
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